Be Not AfraidA friendship Redefined
by Ruralstar
Summary: Friendship piece between Owen Hunt and Teddy Altman following the events of 6x18 "Suicide is Painless"


Disclaimer: Grey's Anatomy is the property of ABC, Shonda Rhimes and Co. No copyright infringement is intended.

A/N: This was written for the 'turn Teddy from a negative to a positive' challenge on the forum. Like a lot of Cristina/Owen shippers I was disturbed by Teddy's arrival on the scene. I don't consider her an evil character however, and I thought she was owed a chance to explain her side of the story.

Be Not Afraid—a friendship redefined

The door was nondescript except for a small plaque hung in its center. Just another door in a hallway full of similar doors, some of which were closed and others open. Muted music and conversations mingled with the passing steps of hospital workers. Patients were rarely seen on this floor. The space housed several labs, some storage and a block of offices assigned to Attending physicians at Seattle Grace. Dr. Teddy Altman stood in the hallway, her hand poised in mid-air as she reconsidered for the third time whether this visit was a good idea. No discernible sound came from behind the polished oak in front of her but she had seen a shaft of white light between the door and the tread. Sighing in resignation, Teddy squared her shoulders and knocked.

No reply.

Teddy knew he was in the office. Cristina Yang had said as much but she did not need the younger woman's assurance. Chalk it up to their years of service together or simple body chemistry, Teddy always knew when Owen Hunt was nearby. Whether she had the right to that knowledge was immaterial at the moment. "Dammit," she hissed, knocking a second time.

Silence for a moment and then the doorknob turned and Owen was standing in front of her.

He looked tired, Teddy noted as he gestured her into the office. Not the fatigue of long hours, rather the bone-deep exhaustion they had both seen and experienced in Iraq. She recognized the slump of the shoulders and the too pale skin which was not unlike a version of herself sometimes seen in the bathroom mirror. The mental comparison stirred fresh doubts and Teddy stopped in the middle of the room. Owen passed her and paused to cast a glance over his shoulder. The sadness so carefully veiled by curiosity in his eyes was enough to force Teddy's feet into motion. She stepped to the empty chair opposite his desk and sat down.

Owen followed and sat down behind the desk. His computer was on but the screen was dark, indicating that it had sat idle long enough for the power saver mode to kick in. He had been working, but not. Teddy forced a smile and met his questioning look. "Tough case."

"Yeah, yeah it was."

They did not need to elaborate. Kim and Sean Allen were on everyone's mind. The woman had died peacefully the night before in the arms of her devastated husband. Such a young couple full of dreams that would never materialize provided a stunning reminder of the unpredictability of life. Teddy shook her head. "I'm sorry I went off on you in the caf yesterday."

"You don't need to…"

Teddy put up a hand to forestall the denial. Slowly it fell to rest on his forearm lying on the desk blotter. Owen's gaze shifted to her fingers. He did not move or speak, only sighed. She squeezed the hard muscles through the cloth, unsure of where to begin.

The realization that something much deeper than Kim Allen's case was bothering Owen had been slow in coming. Teddy felt foolish and angry for being so obtuse and callous. In the long hours following Kim's death she had tried to rationalize reasons for losing her temper. Unearth a greater purpose than banal need for seeking Mark out and indulging in the comforting oblivion of sex in lieu of rational discussion. There existed a modicum of solace in the obvious; she had been distracted and upset by the Allen case. Even doctors could not be dispassionate and professional all of the time. That excuse held up until the third beer. The deeper truth settled into her roiling guts about halfway through the glass but would not find its way to the surface until hours later. She paid her tab and spent the walk to Mark's place fighting nausea that had nothing to do with the alcohol. Upon arrival she sensed Owen's disquiet like so much static filling the dimly lit hallway between Cristina and Mark's apartments. Ignoring it was harder than she expected, stepping into Mark's all too willing embrace a whole lot easier. By morning's light she knew for certain that she had missed something crucial concerning Owen. No amount of adolescent frolicking with Mark could camouflage her thoughtlessness. She walked to work exhausted and grateful that a day of paperwork lay ahead of her. She did not know how to atone for her mistake or where the courage to step forward would even come from.

In the past she and Owen would have talked. There was nothing they had not shared in the 'sand pit'. Things had been quieter between them since she came stateside but no less open. Or had they? Looking back, Teddy was not so sure of the truth of her perceptions. The man in front of her was not her best friend, had not been for quite some time. When had he ceased to exist and how could she have failed to mourn his passing?

"I didn't…I don't understand," she whispered, drawing a shaky breath. "And I'm sorry about that. Sorry for not seeing what's really going on."

Owen looked up sharply. His lips parted and then pressed closed in a thin, white line. He sat back and was silent for several seconds, one hand rubbing absently at his forehead. "When I called you…asked you to come here…I never expected things to turn out like this. You're not the only one who should apologize." He said softly.

Teddy folded her hands in her lap and tried to catch his gaze as it wandered the room. "It's not about un-ringing the bell." The phrase sounded awkward and juvenile and she groaned inwardly. The distraction of her issues had taken priority for too long already. She would not let it derail the conversation now. "I've been so caught up in all my personal bullshit that I never noticed…Never saw….Jesus, why is this so hard to say to you?"

Owen looked at her. "What?"

His tone of voice was unnaturally flat. As if the question had taken all of his remaining energy to ask. Teddy sat forward, determined to keep eye contact. "If I had known how the Allen case was going to affect you, I never would have asked."

"I'm fine Teddy…"

"You were always one stubborn bastard when you wanted to be."

Owen looked at her blankly. Infuriated, Teddy pushed to her feet. She paced to the center of the small room and spun on her heel. "You're not fine," she said with quiet certainty. "And I feel like such an idiot for not having noticed. I'm angry at myself for not seeing past my own garbage and at you for not having balls enough to talk to me—or anyone else for that matter."

"Teddy…"

"Cristina came to see me this morning." Teddy took a deep breath and folded her arms across her chest. The admission made her feel vulnerable and selfish, two emotions Owen had never intentionally fostered in all the years they had know one another. That Cristina, his girlfriend, needed to lead the way to truth made the whole situation doubly pathetic. Teddy swallowed her pride along with the lump in her throat. "Cristina knows there's something wrong but she's not sure how to talk to you about it. She thought I might be able to help because we worked together in Iraq. Her exact words were 'it's flaring up again'." Teddy dropped her hands to her sides. "_Again?_ What the hell has been going on with you?" She sat back down and watched him look at the floor with growing concern. "Owen, it's more than my being here. Or some stupid fantasy I held onto for far too long, isn't it?"

He took several deep breaths and the hand resting on his knee curled into a tight fist. "Cris is right," he murmured.

"About?" Teddy prompted gently.

"Something …happened…last spring between Cris and I."

A visible tremor shook him and Teddy felt an answering clench in her chest. She pressed on, certain she needed to hear as much as he needed to speak. "What happened?"

Owen looked up slowly. His whole body tensed as he turned and met her eyes. "I nearly choked her to death in my sleep." He sighed raggedly and folded his hands together on the desk between them. "I was diagnosed and started treatment for PTSD shortly after."

Stunned, Teddy could only nod. Owen's diagnosis was only vaguely surprising at this point. The violent manifestation of his illness was far more unsettling. Existing in direct contradiction with the man she had known and served with for years. Owen was outwardly passionate but at his heart a gentle soul who empathized with every person who passed beneath his hands. Teddy knew how much he abhorred the violence in Iraq even as he tried to reconcile the necessity of his presence there. That the same hands which had saved so many had nearly taken the life of a woman he clearly loved must have sickened him almost beyond living.

Teddy's gaze shifted to his clasped hands. The knuckles were white, the veins popping blue and pulsing beneath the taut skin. Memories of his smiles and quiet laughter when she first arrived at Seattle Grace came flooding back. She looked up and caught his restless eyes. Was he reliving those first weeks even as she struggled for words? Teddy pushed errant strands of hair behind her ear. Clearly, she had been too self-absorbed by the possibility of a future between them. The choice had been made, subconsciously or otherwise, not to examine his behavior too closely. To attribute his often forced levity to the awkwardness of time apart and ignore the disquieting sensation that a darker, more muted intensity now defined him. Something fundamental had changed in the 18 months since they last saw one another. Sitting in his silent office one possible source of that change surfaced with unexpected force. A single incident among so many others they had survived together and apart—or had they? Was it the beginning of a transformation she had failed to recognize? "Dan?" she asked, without breaking eye contact.

"I'll never know if five minutes would have made a difference." Owen murmured, blinking rapidly. "I did the right thing but if I had waited just five more minutes you would have been on the ground with that chopper… I'll never know."

Owen's tone indicated a level of relief in the telling but his posture radiated tension. Teddy shifted in her seat and kept her voice level in spite of the fear lifting the hairs on the back of her neck. "Kim Allen's case…it's not the same Owen. Five more minutes, five more days…she didn't have a chance and you know that." He did not reply, only stared at her without focusing. Tears like rippled glass made his irises impossibly bright in the dim lighting. Teddy covered his fingers with hers. The flesh was cold and dry and he trembled with strain. In another time and place there would have been a bevy of comforting words, maybe a hug ending with nervous smiles and laughter. Here things were different in ways she was only beginning to understand. Teddy held his hands in hers and tried to take in what he said and what it really meant. His tremors increased with the tempo of his breathing. She held on, wanting to give him the privacy of looking away but not daring to. Here lay her friend concealed beneath a carefully constructed veneer. He was a different man consisting of broken bonds glued together with courage and quiet resolve. She enveloped his hands and cradled the part of him which would always be hers. The rest she let go. When the tremors eased and she was sure he would not splinter apart, Teddy released her grip without rancor and only a little regret. There could be friendship if he was willing, but the possibility of something more belonged in the past. Relegated to the realities of circumstances neither of them ever wished to revisit. This was now and the woman who needed to hear Owen's confession was sitting in an apartment across the street nursing a heart heavy with fears she did not understand or deserve.

"I miss you…the man you were before that place kicked the crap out of both of us." She stood up. He followed her with his eyes but did not move from the chair. "I didn't understand what you meant the day you said 'you chose her too', but I do now. I chose to teach Cristina, to stay here and be near you….I had hopes…_had_," she emphasized with a wry smile. "I know better now but I still miss who you were and I think…I think you miss him too."

"Sometimes," Owen admitted softly as he pushed back the chair and stood. "But that man wasn't faithful to Beth and couldn't have been faithful to you."

Teddy nodded, allowing the small flicker of warmth at his acknowledgement to burn for a moment before forcefully snuffing it out.

Owen reached for her hands hanging limply at her sides. He held them for a long moment before looking up. "If I could have saved Dan, saved any of them, I would have. But I can't change the past and I wouldn't give up the person I am today. No matter how screwed up." He gripped her fingers. "And I don't want you to leave." He leaned forward and brushed a gentle kiss against her cheek. "Thank you."

For the first time since arriving in Seattle, Teddy caught a genuine glimpse of her friend. She smiled. "You're welcome."

Owen smiled back and reached for the coat slung across the back of the chair. He took her in with a tilt of his head and they walked out into the quiet hallway. "I'll see you tomorrow then?"

She chuckled softly in relief at the warmth in his voice. "Yeah, tomorrow."

"Night then."

"Good night."

~E~N~D~


End file.
